


It Felt Right

by wookbutt09



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Happy Ending, High ☆ Speed!, M/M, Rin is involved in the second chapter but there is zero Rinharu, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-18 11:46:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3568478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wookbutt09/pseuds/wookbutt09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After his first fight with Makoto, Haru can't take it anymore. The pressure is too great, everything is too overwhelming, and now with Makoto angry and moving on without him, and no dream for his future in sight, it might be better to leave it all behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this needs a warning that Haru is depressed and thinking about suicide. There are also references to Makoto's past suicide attempt.
> 
> While the feelings have been drawn out by me, and Haru's suicide attempt is not canon, the references and events of Haru and Makoto's past ARE canon, as is Makoto's childhood suicide attempt and the dialogue I've included. PLEASE GO READ HIGH SPEED I cannot stress this enough to fans of Free!

Haru stood at the edge of the sand, already feeling the waves beginning to cover his feet. It was cold, it was biting, but that was fine with him. As much as he’d hoped that this would bring him peace in the end, he knew that he didn’t deserve that peace just yet, not for what he was about to do.

Closing his eyes, he breathed in the crisp air of the night, the strong smell of the salty ocean filling his lungs, and released it again.

This felt right.

His earlier fight with Makoto had brought him here tonight. He’d never fought with Makoto before, and it was then that he’d realized that everything had hit rock bottom for him, and there was no coming back from it. Everything was so overwhelming in his life, it always _had_ been for him, and if even Makoto was at a loss for how to deal with it, then surely Haru would never get it together.

Makoto was moving on without him, _everyone_ was moving on without him, and that was that.

So for the first time in a long time, he wasn’t indecisive.

He felt no pressure. This was _his_ choice. He wasn’t given many of those lately.

But that wouldn’t be a problem for much longer.

This wasn’t without _any_ regret, though. He knew that people would be sad. His parents would be devastated, his friends would surely miss him. And poor Makoto, the boy he’d known since before he actually knew anything at all. The boy he’d spent his whole life loving. The boy who loved him just as much. He knew that this would be hard for him.

But despite how sad Makoto would be for a while, he thought that Makoto of all people would understand why he needed to do this.

He breathed in again, and breathed out.

This felt right.

…

“Haru!”

“Haru!”

Please, no.

For the first time in his life, Makoto was the _last_ person he wanted to see right now.

“What are you doing here, Haru?”

Makoto’s breathing was harsh, erratic. It was so unlike his own breaths.

“Haru?”

Haru was quiet. How could he answer him? What could he possibly say?

It’s not like Haru ever needed to answer Makoto, anyway. Makoto always knew what he was thinking, even if he sometimes wished that he didn’t.

“Haru… come home with me.”

“Haru, please, come home with me. My mom made dinner tonight, there’s plenty left. Come home.”

No, Makoto. Please leave.

“I’m not leaving here without you, Haru. Please, let’s go.”

…

“Haru…”

His words were merely a whisper by now.

“Haru, why are you doing this…”

He could hear that Makoto was close to tears now. He’d never known how to handle Makoto crying. He couldn’t stand it. It was too hard. Normally he’d just leave and go somewhere else, but he couldn’t really do that at the moment.

“Haru…”

“I thought you would understand, Makoto.”  
  
“… What?”

“Of all the people in my life, _you_ should be the one who understands this.”

He heard Makoto breathe in quickly.

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. Maybe it was selfish, low of him.

But he had to say it.

Makoto was quiet for a minute or two. Haru had yet to look at him, staring straight ahead the whole time.

“I do understand, Haru,” he said finally, quietly. “I know how it feels to be this scared. To feel this overwhelmed. To feel that this is the only way to make it stop. But it's not true. Look at all of the amazing things I've been able to do since you saved me that day…”

He could hear the sadness in Makoto’s words. The pleading.

But he was sure that this was the only way.

“You have dreams, Makoto. You have a future. I’ve realized since we were twelve years old, when I noticed how everyone liked you, how easily you made friends, when you adjusted to things so quickly, when it was obvious how well you related to others, and I never could. I knew then that you'd be okay without me. And you will.”

Please, Makoto. Please understand this.

“Do you remember what you said to me that day?”

He finally glanced over at Makoto, whose eyes were glassy with tears, but with a look of determination that Haru hadn’t expected.

“You said, ‘I wouldn't have looked for you if I thought I'd be okay without you.’ How many times have I told you that I wouldn't be okay without you? That everything is pointless without you? Do you think I'm lying when I say that?”

Of course not.

But knowing that doesn’t fix anything.

“Please, don't leave me, Haru. No matter how badly it hurts, please, don't leave me. Give me a chance to _help_ you fix it.”

Haru didn’t know how to respond.

He thought back to _that_ day. How he’d rushed all over town looking for Makoto. How when he’d finally found him, he couldn't run fast enough to get to him. The denial. The fear that if he were only a few minutes later, that it might've been _too_ late. The uncharacteristically dull look in Makoto's eyes as stood at the edge of the sand, the same spot where Haru was standing now, when he’d turned to smile at Haru, a haunting look that Haru had never seen before that, one that he'd hoped he'd never have to see again.

And then the feeling of absolute relief when he finally heard Makoto's laugh, the feeling of walking side by side with him. A feeling that he knew he wanted to feel forever. The reason he barely ever left Makoto's side since then. The reason he always walked on the side closest to the ocean, a form of protection for Makoto, but also for himself, because he couldn't stand the idea of losing Makoto to that dark abyss.

Makoto had done it because he’d truly believed that he was a coward, too weak to do anything, to live on. But Haru was – _is_ –his strength.

And he knew now, looking at Makoto, that Makoto was his strength, too.

Hadn’t he really always known that, though?

Haru turned away from Makoto’s resolute stare, and looked back at the water, at the endless darkness before him.

He remembered how Makoto had, in the end, chosen not to go through with it.

He had chosen to come back for him.

He remembered how he had told Makoto not to worry him like that, and how Makoto had apologized, an unspoken promise that he'd never do something like that again.

He breathed in deeply once more, and let out a sigh.

The ocean didn’t seem to smell as comforting as it had just a few minutes before.

"I'm sorry, Makoto."

And this was his unspoken promise, too.

Although he couldn’t return Makoto’s gaze, not now, not yet, he turned to follow him back home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Makoto is worried about how to help Haru. He calls Rin for advice, and Rin takes Haru to Australia, hoping to spark a dream for him. 
> 
> (Haru spends most of his time with Rin in this chapter, but it's entirely Haru-centric/Makoharu-centric so don't worry, lol. No Rinharu if that's what you're looking for, sorry!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an angtsy, fluffy-ended continuation of the last chapter. Feel free to skip it if you liked the way the other one ended!

Haru had had no plans of going to Makoto’s house for dinner, and he was sure that Makoto had known that all along, of course. But what he _hadn’t_ expected was for Makoto to allow him to go back to his own house so quickly, when Makoto knew that no one else was home, that Haru would be alone, unsupervised.

“You're gonna let me go home by myself?

He had thought that Makoto would smile his normal, happy smile, eyes scrunched up as he replied, “Of course!”

But Makoto’s smile was barely there, a sad smile, although a relieved smile nonetheless, as he huffed out a reluctant laugh.

“I trust you. Go get some sleep.”

Makoto’s implicit trust didn’t make him feel any better at all. It only made him feel guiltier about everything. And as Makoto turned to walk back to his house, leaving Haru alone on the steps to his _own_ house, he knew that Makoto had a right to treat him like this. Makoto had a right to be as selfish as Haru had been to him.

He walked straight upstairs to his room, stripped himself of his clothing, and laid down in his bed, covering himself with his blanket, curled up and resigned to stay there forever.

And despite Makoto’s request that Haru get some sleep, Haru didn't sleep.

~~

It was way too early the next day when Haru heard the incessant ring of his door bell. He tried to disappear into himself, pulling the covers impossibly close to his body, but he knew he couldn’t ignore whoever it was forever. Especially not Makoto.

He was surprised to see that it was Rin. Of course Haru had had no plans of going to school that day, but he didn’t think Rin was one to normally skip, not when he had swim practice to run.

“Yo, Haru. We’re going out. Hurry up and get ready. Let’s go.”

Haru didn’t know how to react to this.

“Go? Where?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Australia.”

Rin smiled at him, as if it really _were_ obvious. It was anything but obvious to Haru. In fact, the only thing he wanted to do right now was refuse him. But Rin was the pushiest person he knew, and he figured it wasn’t worth the battle. Besides… maybe getting away from it all was the best thing for him right now.

And so, surprising even himself, he went.

But he regretted it pretty much immediately.

The whole thing so was frustrating. He wasn’t in the best state of mind to deal with anything currently as it was, and Rin was completely being his normal, aggravating self. He refused Haru a thing, he walked too fast for Haru to keep up, he barely said a word to him and Haru felt overwhelmed and scared in a country he didn’t know with a language he couldn’t understand. It wouldn’t have been like this if Makoto were here.

But Makoto wasn’t here, and Haru hadn’t even had the guts to tell him that he was leaving in the first place.

He figured that Rin had probably realized that he was scared and upset, though, because finally, he apologized. For everything. For putting pressure on him, for fighting with him, for dragging him here without a single word. And Haru was shocked, to say the least.

But he was even more shocked when Rin decided to bring him to a beach.

Of course Rin hadn’t known anything about what had happened the night before, and Haru definitely thought that the beach was beautiful, but the last thing he wanted right now was to be this close to the ocean.

And so he sat there in the sand, knees pulled to his chest, avoiding even looking at it, or at Rin.

“Let’s go in,” Rin said, unable to realize how impossible it was for Haru.

“I don’t feel like it.”

“What?” Rin laughed, “Who is it that’s usually so quick to start taking his clothes off?”

Haru couldn’t possibly joke about this right now. He turned away.

“Shut up…”

Rin turned serious then, but Haru had nothing to say, so he only sat there and listened.

“I was sure you’d never agree to this trip.”

Me either.

“But you really came along. Did something happen?”

There’s no way Haru could ever tell Rin the whole truth.

He held himself tighter.

“No. I just don’t want to be over there right now.”

Rin looked surprised, worried even. But Haru would never let him know.

“Did you and Makoto have a fight or something?”

Haru couldn’t stop himself from reacting quickly enough, and Rin had been able to see it.

“Bingo, huh?” Rin sighed. “It’s just one little fight. Sousuke and I fight all the time.”

He doesn’t understand.

“It was my…”

But he couldn’t tell him. He could never let Rin know just how badly everything had been affecting him. It’s not that he didn’t trust Rin, or that he thought Rin would hate him. But Haru still felt guilty about it, seeing the pain he had caused Makoto, remembering the pain he had felt more than five years ago when he’d gone through it with Makoto. He couldn’t put Rin through it, too. Couldn’t let Rin know that he’d almost…

“… first fight.”

That was the most he could say.

And it wasn’t a lie. The fight he’d gotten into with Makoto last night, before… well, it _had_ been his and Makoto’s first fight. That’s what had driven Haru to make the final decision that he had.

Not that it was Makoto’s fault at all. No. During the fight, Haru had meant it when he said that he thought Makoto was always meddling in people’s lives, he’d thought that about Makoto from day one. But the only reason it always bothered him so much was that felt that Makoto too often put others before himself, no matter what, and he just wished that Makoto would be more selfish sometimes.  

No. It wasn’t Makoto’s fault that he’d tried to do what he did. But the fight was the final push he’d needed. He had seen how much better off Makoto was without him. Makoto was so mature, so put together. He always had been, despite believing he was a coward, despite believing he couldn’t do anything without Haru. And when he’d told Haru that he’d already made a decision about his future, that he’d be going to Tokyo next year without him, Haru knew that Makoto had finally realized that he wasn’t the one who needed Haru. All along, it was only Haru who needed Makoto, and it was selfish of Haru to hold him back any longer.

But none of that was true. He’d just let the pressure get to him. Makoto had talked him down from it last night, had reassured him that he needed Haru just as much as Haru needed him. And Haru believed him. Haru knew Makoto loved him. He’d just temporarily gotten lost.

But there was nothing more to say about it to Rin, and Rin knew Haru wouldn’t say any more.

“That reminds me,” Rin said, breaking Haru from his thoughts. “So Makoto finally decided on his post-graduation plans. He said he wanted to tell you as soon as possible.”  


Haru looked up at him, shocked once again.

How could he have ever doubted Makoto. How could he have allowed himself to become so consumed in his own darkness that he believed Makoto would ever hide anything from him, that Makoto would ever move on without him. Makoto had said a million times that he wouldn’t be okay without Haru, that everything was pointless without Haru. And yet he had convinced himself that Makoto was mistaken.

What if Makoto had been too late?

Rin didn’t push it any further.

“Doesn’t just looking at the ocean like this make you feel calm?”  


Haru looked out at the Australian sea before him, and he almost _did_ feel calm.

It was still too soon, he thought, but eventually, the ocean would bring him the same peace that it always had. Makoto had conquered his desperate fear of the ocean with Haru, and with Makoto, Haru knew he would be able to enjoy it once again someday.

~~

Over the next couple of days, Rin took him sightseeing, and Haru began to feel more like his normal self. Better, in fact.

For the first time in his whole life, he began to feel hopeful.

He still felt boughts of sadness, and he was sure that when a person is pushed as close to the edge has he had been, that it was probably normally, and not so easily fixed.

But he had begun to appreciate how much people truly admired him. He thought that maybe, he deserved to be this amazing person that people thought he was. Despite his lingering doubts, running around with Rin, Haru had begun to feel strong.

And when Rin brought him to the pool where international swimming tournaments were held, he smiled for the first time in a long time.

Haru finally knew.

He had had strength all this time. Makoto.

He had had a dream all this time. Swimming.

He had had a future all this time. Freedom.

 

~~

He was sure that with his new found confidence, that he’d be happy to see Makoto again, to tell him all about it.

But it was the opposite. He couldn’t shake the guilt he felt when he finally saw him.

“You must be tired from your trip,” were the first words Makoto said.

It was clear that Makoto was genuinely glad to see him, smiling his typical bright smile. As opposed to staying quiet like he normally would, Haru tried his hardest to say something this time.

But it wasn’t easy, and Haru remembered why he usually didn’t say anything at all.

He looked down with a huff, dejected. He had really tried, but here he was, letting Makoto down once again.

“Haru…” Makoto spoke, kindly, gently. Haru immediately looked up to meet his gaze.

Makoto’s green eyes sparkled, happy that Haru was here in front of him evident in the warm smile that followed.

“Welcome home.”

Haru wasn’t sure why he was so surprised to hear those words, but he was. Makoto’s unabashed love for him still affected Haru after all these years, and he was pretty sure that that would never change.

He looked away from a second, inclined to leave it at that.

But no.

He looked right back at Makoto, with all the feeling he could muster.

“Thanks.”

It was the best that he could offer, and he hoped that Makoto could read all of the things he had meant with that one small word.

Makoto simply looked at him, huffed out a knowing little laugh, and smiled.

And Haru thought…

This felt right.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo... yes I hope you liked it!


End file.
